you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
