Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
