i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
