A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
