Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
