Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
