Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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