the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
