No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
