If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
