My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize