you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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