Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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