Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
