I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
