my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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