you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
