I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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