If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
