Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
