My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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