I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
