you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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