im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
