Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
