you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
