Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
