I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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