I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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