I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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