those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
