oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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