remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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