I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
