I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
