I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
