so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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