I wish I only lived at night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My penis needs a shock collar
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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