i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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