Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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