Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
