its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
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So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.