Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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