I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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