Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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