Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
