the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
