i jhust puked up my retainher.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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