just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
