Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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