no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
