I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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