Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
