apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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