i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
