my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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