I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
